Sir-Egon

This is a conversation I had with a friend of mine on steam.

What you are about to read contains a thousand shipments full of buttloads of references and inside jokes. Reader discretion is not quite advised, but isn't quite advised against either.

Egon Haystack: I hate it when people call black mesa better than half-life

Egon Haystack: Is it beyond peoples' comprehension that the two can both be appreciated?

Themcguiremλn: I think so

Egon Haystack: My fears have been confirmed

Themcguiremλn: I like and beat both the same amount

Egon Haystack: Exactly

Egon Haystack: I need a time machine

Egon Haystack: So I can stop the steam discussions from existing in the first place

Themcguiremλn: lol

Themcguiremλn: Alright, checking a modified hl2 map for errors

Themcguiremλn: lots of em'

Egon Haystack: In my opinion

Egon Haystack: There is no best game ever made

Themcguiremλn: true

Egon Haystack: I would make a much better supreme emperor of the multiverse than---

Egon Haystack: Who's our current emperor?

Themcguiremλn: unless you don't believe in linear time, which would mean that you only believe in a sector of a period of time, which then means that THEN there can factually be a "best" of something.

Themcguiremλn: hhmm

Themcguiremλn: wait

Egon Haystack: Yeah

Themcguiremλn: then there wouldn't be anything

Egon Haystack:

Egon Haystack: It has been thought into existance!

Egon Haystack: Shit

Themcguiremλn: yep

Egon Haystack: We have less than seconds before---

Egon Haystack is Offline

Themcguiremλn is Offline

Egon Haystack connected again and rejoined chat

Themcguiremλn connected again and rejoined chat

The Universe is gone

Egon Haystack: hi

Themcguiremλn: hi

Themcguiremλn: 155 112 21 1000

Themcguiremλn: oh wait

Themcguiremλn: oops

Themcguiremλn: those numbers above are the only thing left that exists somehow

Egon Haystack: Jimmy...

Egon Haystack: What have I told you about pictures of your grandmother from 1963...

Themcguiremλn: those numbers equal the color brown

Themcguiremλn: strange...

Egon Haystack: oh wait

Egon Haystack: Hammer autosaved

Themcguiremλn: how out of all the beautiful colors in the visual spectrum that could have survived, it HAD to be brown

Egon Haystack: I think we have a copy of the universe

Egon Haystack: In hammer's autosaves directory

Themcguiremλn:

Egon Haystack: Crap

Themcguiremλn: oops

Egon Haystack: Hammer crashed as the universe was autosaving

Egon Haystack: Meaning corrupt file

Egon Haystack: NOW

Themcguiremλn: noooooooo

Egon Haystack: WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED ABOUT HOW BIG SKYBOXES SHOULD BE?

Themcguiremλn: lol

Themcguiremλn: oh here

Egon Haystack: huh

Themcguiremλn: I found out how to fix the universe

Themcguiremλn: prolly

Egon Haystack: Ah

Egon Haystack: ok

Egon Haystack: Hold on

Themcguiremλn: wait for it....

Themcguiremλn: 42

Themcguiremλn: there

Egon Haystack: When you multiply six by nine

Themcguiremλn:

Egon Haystack: hmm

Egon Haystack:

Egon Haystack: When did we last compile the universe?

Themcguiremλn: hmm

Themcguiremλn: quite a while ago

Themcguiremλn: it seems to date back to a time that says "0"

Egon Haystack: Hmm

Egon Haystack: Ok

Egon Haystack: Let's decompile it

Egon Haystack: And have a look in hammer

Themcguiremλn: ok

Egon Haystack: Hmm

Egon Haystack: Well

Themcguiremλn: 0.000.000

Themcguiremλn: hm

Themcguiremλn: well, that was quite a long time ago

Egon Haystack: Everything that happened after that was just kinda playing with an idea

Egon Haystack: Didn't really turn out too well

Themcguiremλn: yeah

Themcguiremλn: btw, Earth's scripted sequence really fucked up in our last compile of the universe

Themcguiremλn: how the hell did humans build a civilization?

Egon Haystack: Hmm

Egon Haystack: A good question

Egon Haystack: Let's wipe off the Homo-Sapiens and work on evolving the sharks

Themcguiremλn: alright

Themcguiremλn: good plan

Themcguiremλn: wait, you mean Earth sharks, right?

Themcguiremλn: not Locharian sharks

Themcguiremλn: that eat couches

Egon Haystack: Yeah

Egon Haystack: Earth sharks

Egon Haystack: First step

Egon Haystack: Frickin laser beams strapped to their frickin little heads

Themcguiremλn: ok

Egon Haystack: Let's try to avoid letting them end up looking like this

Egon Haystack: us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/ref…

Themcguiremλn: yeah

Themcguiremλn: that is how humans ended up

Egon Haystack: Yeah

Egon Haystack: And we know that that doesn't work

Egon Haystack: Hmm

Egon Haystack: !

Egon Haystack: What if

Egon Haystack: We make them smart

Egon Haystack: That's what we forgot last time!

Themcguiremλn: YEAH

Egon Haystack: Especially the leaders

Themcguiremλn: make sure Sharks don't make digital watches either

Egon Haystack: Yeah

Egon Haystack: Or become obsessed with the movements of little green pieces of paper

Themcguiremλn: yes

Egon Haystack: That was odd

Egon Haystack: Seeing as it wasn't the little green pieces of paper that were unhappy

Themcguiremλn: very odd

Egon Haystack: 4.bp.blogspot.com/_h405_C2RNpc…

Egon Haystack: Concept art

Themcguiremλn: brillant idea

Themcguiremλn: one thing humans did right

Themcguiremλn: Dr. Evil

Egon Haystack: Yup

Themcguiremλn: wait, since we are their belief in the creation of their universe, what if they find evidence of us that proves that we exist, which then disproves people's faith in us, which then makes us not there

Themcguiremλn: so then that would mean we would dissapear

Egon Haystack: Hmm

Themcguiremλn:

Egon Haystack: Oh!

Egon Haystack: Before you do that

Egon Haystack: The babelfish

Egon Haystack: IS PROOF

Themcguiremλn: yes

Themcguiremλn: yeah

Themcguiremλn: GET RID OF IT

Egon Haystack: Hmm

Egon Haystack: You sure of that?

Themcguiremλn: hmm

Egon Haystack: I mean

Egon Haystack: They were quite useful in other parts of the galaxy

Themcguiremλn: yes

Egon Haystack: Let's just be glad we stopped this human shit before they started spreading across the galaxy

Themcguiremλn: yeah

Egon Haystack: It would be like the steam discussions except on a potentially trans-dimensional scale

Themcguiremλn: that would have been scary

Egon Haystack: Yeah

Egon Haystack: Hmm

Egon Haystack: Do you think the telephone was responsible for idiots calling tech support?

Egon Haystack: I mean

Egon Haystack: Tech support by phone wouldn't even exist without the phone

Themcguiremλn: very true

Themcguiremλn: it would save many lives

Egon Haystack: And

Egon Haystack: We can kill two birds with one stone here

Egon Haystack: We've seen how many people allowed themselves to be brainwashed and turned into zombies by Apple

Themcguiremλn: yes

Themcguiremλn: (except the company might be called "Seaweed" since we are doing Sharks now and they would probably give it just as ridicolus name as that

Egon Haystack: One thing that went horribly wrong with humans was the leaders were idiots

Themcguiremλn: yes

Egon Haystack: Yeah

Egon Haystack: Ok

Egon Haystack: So

Egon Haystack: Why don't we try and replicate one human

Egon Haystack: i101.photobucket.com/albums/m5…

Egon Haystack: As the supreme leader

Themcguiremλn: hmm

Themcguiremλn: might work

Egon Haystack: I believe this is the only one who could possibly be fit

Egon Haystack: I voted for him in 2016

Themcguiremλn: lol true

Egon Haystack: er

Egon Haystack: set up the sequence to vote for him

Themcguiremλn: I understand what you mean

Themcguiremλn: but only one head? I mean, Zaphod Beelbrox had two, so he can have FOUR

Egon Haystack: Yeah

Egon Haystack: You're right

Egon Haystack: Ah

Egon Haystack: The president's job is to draw attention away from power

Themcguiremλn: ah

Egon Haystack: While you, me, and the other 4 people control the government

Themcguiremλn:

Themcguiremλn: alright, I have completed a few galaxies or so in Hammer.

Egon Haystack: all right

Themcguiremλn: oh damn, this one has to be a model

Themcguiremλn: it's too dynamic to be a huge complex brush

Egon Haystack: hmm

Themcguiremλn: alright

Themcguiremλn: Milky Way galaxy is done

Egon Haystack: ah

Egon Haystack: ok

Themcguiremλn: here is a screenie: www.dropbox.com/s/j9uxtolkznn0…

Themcguiremλn:

Egon Haystack: hmm

Egon Haystack: The env_sprite seems like it doesn't belong

Themcguiremλn: ah

Themcguiremλn: ok

Themcguiremλn: will look on that

Themcguiremλn: so when did Hammer become the holy tool of creation?

Themcguiremλn: well, I don't care

Egon Haystack: yeah

Themcguiremλn: let's make sure that a certain company sometime along the simulation on a certain planet called earth doesn't ruin it

Themcguiremλn: this time around, okay?

Egon Haystack: All right

Paradoxes

Paradoxes: Don't mess with them. Seriously now, they are no joke. Going back in time and sleeping with your grandmother when she was young and hot may seem like a good idea at the time, but it can only lead to spontaneous combustion of the universe or something-er-other.

This is the story of a young man named little Jimmy A, a woman named Sally B, and her mother Janet C. Sally is Jimmy's mother, and Janet is Sally's mother. Jimmy decided to pay a visit to his grandmother, Janet. Once he arrived and sat down comfortably on the sofa in the living room, Janet offered Jimmy a cup of tea. He accepted. Whilst his grandmother was preparing the tea, Jimmy noticed a photo of Janet from when she was in her twenties.

'A hottie,' he thought.

After putting the kettle on, Janet went into the living room and saw Jimmy looking at the photo, not noticing what particular part of the photo he was looking at. She began to go on about how the photo was taken in the Summer of '63 or something like that, but Jimmy was not really interested in the story; all he could think of was how hot his now wrinkly grandmother once was. The kettle whistled. Janet got up (she had pulled over a rocking chair to sit down while Jimmy was too busy staring at the photo to notice the outside world) to go get the kettle.

At that moment, Jimmy decided that he could somehow randomly travel back in time to the Summer of 1963 for reasons that he didn't even know himself. Somehow, without any means of doing just that, he did, and hoped to be able to pop back just in time for tea. By this time, it is worthy of mention that Jimmy's mother Sally has not yet had anything to do with the story. She will not.

Once Jimmy finished 'doing' his young grandmother, he somehow traveled back to the future to the exact same point where he left from. Only this time, something was different. All humans were instead giant fish wearing human clothes specially tailored to fit their fish bodies. Janet was a fish, Jimmy's mother Sally was probably a fish, and even Jimmy was a fish.

'Oh bugger' are the two words that would pop into the average human's mind at this point, and there was no exception for Jimmy.

As a matter of fact, 'Oh bugger' was so on his mind, it was as if he had been thinking of those two words over and over for all eternity. That is exactly what he would do if the universe was based on religion instead of science. Instead, Jimmy had just caused the whole of reality to collapse in on itself while it exploded in a twisted outwards implosion that ended with a scratching of the head, a bruised left arm, and a distinct absence of an infinitely expanding object that Jimmy swore he just saw there a minute ago.

Disclaimer: I am not British